I’d been testing my ovulation nightly since Thursday night into Friday morning. The only time I didn’t test was Saturday night, so maybe that was it, I don’t know. But our known donor didn’t get back to me yet about helping out again this month. I thought I was clear, I didn’t think I was that subtle or cryptic, but I also didn’t want to nag. He even showed up to karaoke last night, and kept asking me what was wrong, but he would not answer anything on Facebook or text. Either he felt pressured, or he’s completely clueless. Regardless, no summer baby. Unless I conceive next month and don’t go 40 weeks. Which is likely with my age and blood pressure.
I’m in turns angry, sad and numb. Being numb from depression is something that I really didn’t notice was happening to me until the last while when it’s really pushed in. It really crept up on me. I’ve become extremely apathetic about my own personal life and care, and the care of the house. I only go to work because we need my income, I have to keep swimming and try to absorb and apply the training I’d been avoiding for almost a year.
Stephen Harper is nearly guaranteed to get a majority and get back as prime minister, no matter how much anyone fights. He’s counting on the racism, the first-past-the-post system, the other parties bickering and not getting along, the apathetic (and rightly disillusioned) people who don’t vote, and the sizeable number of brainwashed boomers. And the ones who rely on oil to keep their family clothed, fed and sheltered. And the voting suppression. The list goes on and on.
Then there’s the increase in right wing, racist, xenophobic, oppressive government all over the world.
Why would I want to bring (a) child(ren) into this? Because I can’t see past my own biological desire for the only thing I ever thought would bring me happiness (aside from a life partner who would love me unconditionally and even only just wanted the same thing, and I have found him, I feel extremely grateful). Why can’t I ever listen to my brain and realize it would probably be extremely difficult? I wouldn’t say it would be an unmitigated disaster or anything… I’d do my best and love them completely after waiting and yearning for so long.
There’s also embryo donation. But we’ll see about that after we see if the supplements are doing anything.
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