Archive for June, 2015

I’m due back to work on July 13th.  Feeling worse than when I started the stress leave.

Sperm function analysis results: .8 of 1 million normal sperm. Low motility. It just keeps getting worse, his count was 1 million a few months ago. The only improvement I’ve ever seen him have was on Fertilaid for Men and Count Boost. Which only got him to 3 mil concentration, 6 million total.  But his motility was 80% in the first two sperm analyses.

No rapid progressing after the wash. .01 of a million to do ICSI and they want 2 million. Gutted again.

No other treatment but IVF+ICSI… other than the frozen donor sperm we have but I don’t think the head doctor at the fertility clinic knows we have that. Also, she doesn’t believe in therapeutic donor insemination either, so it would be IVF with that as well, just no ICSI. The cost of doing IVF+ICSI is also very difficult.

Won’t get even the small portion back that I mentioned before above unless I go back to my job.

Just… done. With everything.


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CVS came back negative, I just have antibodies in my system from exposure, but it’s not live. Tiny bit of positive news.

Otherwise, it’s been weeks. My pap (I don’t even give a shit what shows up on the preview on my Facebook page anymore) and STD swabs came up fine. I called yesterday and was told all that, and that the doctor is supposed to call me about Dave’s SSA results. She’s had our profile on her desk since Monday with all the info. My CD1 was Friday, the day we went in to the clinic for an update and the pap & swabs still weren’t in from the IWK.

There used to be four doctors at this clinic.  One retired last year, another accepted a research position in Ontario. Right now, one is on vacation until mid July.  So it’s looking like another wasted cycle, and I’m due back to my well paying but increasingly challenging job on July 13th. No sense in seeing my regular doctor for another note one more week of sickness EI, that’s all I’m entitled to after that.  But I feel almost worse than when I started the stress leave in March.

Waiting to find a better place to move to. In the city of course, we cannot move anywhere else because we can’t get better jobs anywhere we want to live. Like Montreal.  Cause we can’t speak fluent French.

Waiting for Dave’s work to say yes or no to a vacation request so we can have an anniversary weekend in Cape Breton.

Waiting for other websites to update.

It’s 20 degrees and, while I want to go out since I need to pick up stuff, I’m so disgusted and dejected with everything, I just feel like giving up and just exist. But why should I expect anyone else to just support and take care of the husk of failure that would be left of me?

Hearing about lack of help for people, people being mean to each other, i.e. bullying and not being able to home/unschool our kids if we had them, atrocities and oppressive government patriarchal oligarchy makes me want to just give up on having kids altogether. But it’s all I ever fucking wanted to do with my life in this world. Denied. Everything.  Fuck.  Everything.

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The clinic called me back two days ago and advised they need me to do a CVS screen (blood test) over again as it had come back positive, and they wanted to be sure there wasn’t any live component. I’ll be doing that today.

Then we/I’ll go in next Wednesday to Friday (my CD1 should start by then) and find out results of his SSA, and hopefully my annual test and swabs will be in, or I’ll have to mention it at my doctor’s appointment on Monday.

But I think I need to postpone IVF for a few months. There isn’t enough time left of my stress leave to do it properly, and we have new bills coming up. We might want to change cell phone providers, gotta straighten out another financial thing, we want to move somehow, and there’s the wedding. We haven’t really done anything for the wedding, except I managed to pick up a few things, but at least I may fit in my dress come October. Unless I miraculously conceive before then.

It kind of all hinges on the Senate vote of Bill C-51 today. I also expect Bill *20* in Quebec to pass by next week, which is a bummer, but doesn’t entirely concern us since we can’t move there. I believe C-51 will pass because the Conservatives pretty much must, they are obligated, or they’ll lose their job(s). Especially after a video of the Parliament Hill gunman was released the other day, reminding them of why they must have us all under mass surveillance and spy on us in violation of our charter rights. Never mind that mass surveillance doesn’t work to thwart plans like that, but whatever. Just makes me not want to have kids who have to suffer under oppression. Come October, if he doesn’t get a majority after the vote (though I fully expect him to declare martial law to cancel it if he can’t rig it with the (Un)Fair Elections Act), I might go ahead with IVF then. And/or if the lawyer that is going to contest C-51 in court wins (but who knows how long that will take?).

If Harper gets a majority government again, I will lose all faith in my fellow Canadians. If we switch cell phone providers, we’ll have to stay here until they are paid off, but all I will want to do is leave Canada. But we can’t easily move to Europe or Scandinavian/Nordic countries because of their strict immigration laws. So, no babies, but money to travel and be good little workers and consumers until the cost of living goes up so high that we can’t afford to even do those things anymore. Again. Honestly, at that point I think I’d be a shell of my former self, and would need lots of therapy to be any kind of tolerable wife to Dave. In fact, I almost don’t want him to marry me unless he really truly believes he can handle me like that.

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