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Archive for May, 2015

Well, our blood tests came back normal.  Hormones seem to be fine.  Which definitely is good news.

So now they have to get the results from my “annual” female tests, and he had to give a sample, for $275 that he may be able to get covered. Those results will come back in two weeks. I hope my annual test results didn’t get lost in the shuffle due to possibly changing general medical clinics, but no one at the old one has called me about how much it will be to get my medical file transferred, and the new clinic takes a month to set appointments anyway, so I may stick with a doctor left behind at the old clinic after my current one leaves on July 22nd. They can usually get you in within a week, and wait times are decent.

Just really having a hard time wrapping my head and my heart around the fact that we may have to put ourselves into debt for at least a decade just to have a genetic child together. Dave is really disappointed about that because, just as he/we got to a point in life that we could afford to do things like buy board games and travel (and change mobile phone providers because our data needs have increased, for his at least… and move… and get married at Hal-Con), this happens.

Part of me just wants to tell the fertility clinic I don’t care what the odds are, let’s just do an IUI with the donor sperm we acquired, or even Dave’s sperm. But no, Dave doesn’t have enough, and an IUI would only be a 20% chance of a live birth, like the odds each month for younger couples who are fertile. Or draw up a legal agreement with our known donor and do it informally. Or even just find (a) donated frozen embryo(s). Dave is more than fine with any of these options. I hate that I have to decide very soon, lest we get no medical benefit coverage at all. The clinic told us we may be able to get the medications/injectables covered as well, under the usual prescription drug coverage. I hope so.

I know we could go bankrupt, though I have already done that back in 2003, and that option is something that should not be viewed as positive. He also submitted an application to Capital One to see if he can get a credit card himself, even a secured one.  There is also crowd funding… some even specifically for fertility treatment and adoption.

Other than a child, we just want to move to/rent a nicer place, like a small house or a duplex, or at least somewhat sound proof, that has a dishwasher, washer and dryer (and preferably laminate or hardwood floors). That will bring up our power bill, but even just an apartment dishwasher, if they clean better than they used to, would be fine.

And maybe a smallish wedding at Hal-Con. If I can fit into the (very cost efficient) dress I bought. He really just needs a Rob Roy tartan kilt, maybe even just borrow one of those type of shirts they wear at the Alehouse (though he seems to want to go more formal than that) and the rings.  Several services have been offered to us as gifts. He worries people we invite from the Hal-Con crowd wouldn’t show up, only the karaoke crew. I rather doubt that, but that’s fine, we can invite people who are guaranteed entry, and even put up a sign for people who are attending Hal-Con anyway.

I don’t want just two rings, a piece of paper, a JP and two witnesses at a court house. I don’t think I’m asking too much to have a funny, geeky, sweet ceremony (a pot luck dinner perhaps) and a reception dance with friends and family, that I can play at least a few songs I want.

But deciding on something like that and inviting people is tough, when fertility treatments with no guarantee of a live birth (40% chance they said) will put you in debt for a decade…

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Well, something took me down a peg, and really makes me realize how much I have been neglecting the geek community. I lost a Facebook friend I was hoping to get to know better.

Not having a child (due to infertility) that might help me reach out to other parents certainly makes this even harder. It’s mostly why I’ve deteriorated even more so in the last few months.

I know some people still manage to be genuinely nice to me, even though I clearly recognize the introverted shell I’m in. Please know that I want to consider you all friends even if I forget to acknowledge you at times, of over 600 friends in my contacts, I don’t always keep in touch or acknowledge that you matter to me. But you do. All of you.

I’m extremely introverted. Until a few months ago, I was working (evenings) too much to even to go Geeks vs. Nerds or anything but the Geequinox.

My brain is skewed to the point that possibly the bullying I endured, and probably definitely my upbringing (Mom still even now) pounding the idea into my head that my opinion doesn’t matter, has projected onto everyone I come in contact with who doesn’t know that. My closest friends know. Well, Dave does. If you didn’t know that, you do now.

There are very few people I genuinely believe don’t look at me with some modicum of disgust or at least pity now. But, again, I know in my logical brain that it’s just a projection. I’m awkward and nervous and anxious as hell around everyone.

I also know I’m gloomy a lot of the time.

I wouldn’t wish this on anyone.

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Caught between a rock and a hard place.  Dealing with infertility going on two years (together, far longer if you count waiting for someone willing and compatible) and an aging, emotionally abusive mother. Gets to you after a while. These and other financial and employment stresses are why I’m still on a leave of absence, with so much uncertainty about just about everything.

Dave is off tomorrow (well, it’s 3 AM as I write this line and I have to finish and proofread this yet, so, when we get up) and it is forecasted to be an absolutely gorgeous day. Where I will likely see what I/we haven’t been able to achieve so far.

My last blood tests revealed I had a slightly elevated prolactin level, which could definitely be causing my irregular cycles. My doctor (whom I am switching from on Monday) asked if I get headaches.  I do, but not often. I had one yesterday, though, so hopefully the next blood draw on certain dates of my cycle will determine if that was just an anomaly or relatively normal for that part of my cycle. Vitex, an herb I’ve been on for several months to regulate my cycles and it also usually lowers prolactin levels, may also have still been stabilizing those levels.

It’s kind of tricky putting a finger on exactly how my Mom has treated me.  It has hallmarks of borderline personality, but my mother wasn’t exactly cold toward me most of the time.  Dismissive of my feelings, yes, and often blames me and doesn’t know why I feel this way about her, but if anything, she is emotionally needy and therefore will likely never completely respect my boundaries.  Now that she is becoming elderly, it’s hard enforcing them with her at times ailing health.

Dave has put on Markiplier’s playthrough of The Last of Us.  Kind of distracting but I think I said the important stuff and the updates.  The last couple of days I’ve been posting articles and blog posts on all this.  Well, more the abusive mother aspect of late, but also how infertile women deal with Mothers’ Day as well.

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